Our Second Bump at 18 weeks

Since most of the factual stuff were covered during my pregnancy with Ryan, I decided I would take pictures of my baby bump instead =)

I am showing much earlier than I did when I was with Ryan.. probably cos it's all much looser and flabbier now.. *sigh* =P

Anyways, ^_^ I've started having quickening for the past few days.

I was pleasantly surprised by how active this baby is.. Feels like he's having a party in there! =)

(By the way, we have yet to confirm the gender of the baby, but I have a feeling it's a boy, so we'll just assume that for now)

The morning sickness has resolved and I am feeling much more myself these days..

I'm happy just being able to stay up later than 8pm, which was pretty much impossible for the past 3 months.. 

I can finally go shopping without making Z turn back halfway or dashing to the washroom upon arrival at the mall.. And Z is glad he no longer has to park me somewhere while he runs to grab the groceries.. ^_^ Of course, he probably won't be as thrilled by my ability to shop once the credit card bill arrives.

Went for an antenatal checkup today.. I've not been gaining much weight, only 450g from last month. But at least I'm not losing anymore weight. 

We are scheduled for a scan next Friday, just before we leave for Bali.. I really hope our baby will be cooperative and let us see his.. erm.. private parts.. ^_^

Time out for mummy and daddy

Z and I thought it might be a good idea to take some time off to go for a mini vacation. My parents offered to babysit Ryan which gave us some time with each other.

We decided to take advantage of the Air Asia promo and booked a flight to Kuching.

It was my first trip to East Malaysia. 

It was great to kick back and relax.. 

Although we did miss Ryan and talked about him most of the time, I felt it was good for me to be able to spend some time alone with Z, just to remind him that he was still very important in my life.. Especially since we have been having a rather rough patch..

After our massive argument, he has been extra sweet.. we talked a lot.. (and he tried to bribe me with jewellery ^_^) and I realized that although Z is being so supportive and encouraging, having another baby also places a lot of stress on him. And I suppose men act out in different ways.

I realized that I should try not to sweat the small stuff and remember what a great husband and father he is.. He really is.. 

(I must remember to read this post whenever I get mad at Z.. ;P)

He bathes Ryan and puts him to bed whenever I am tired (which is most of the time these past few months)

He does the midnight feed everyday and never complains

He never gets mad when he has to wait a long time for me to get off work

And he is really patient when I am all grumpy and irrational (well, he tries to.. but I can get quite difficult.. =P)

We still have issues to resolve and differences of opinions. But the most important thing is being able to work on them together.. 

I suppose I was so overwhelmed and exhausted I just.. shut down for a while..

I've been trying hard not to let my pregnancy hormones send my emotions into overdrive. The first 16 weeks have been tough. I had really bad nausea and vomiting and was exhausted all the time. Everything ached.. My back, my neck, my joints and calves.. And for some really strange reason, I felt so angry all the time.. Haha.. Looks like my little dragon is breathing fire in there..

I have lost 4kgs this last 3 months and I'm trying hard to eat more to help our baby grow. It has gotten easier now that the nausea has subsided.. But those first few months were really torture..

Anyway, now that i'm well into my 2nd trimester, I hope all that is behind me! ^_^

The 2nd trimester is supposed to be the glow-ey, happy pregnancy period after all.. =P

Can't wait to go for my next scan to see if Ryan will be getting a little brother or sister!

Out of desperation, Z went to the jewellery
store to find something to cheer me up.. =P

Our chalet at Damai Beach Resort

It was great waking up to this view everyday!

At the famous Sunny Hill ice cream parlour

Hot hot day at the Sarawak Cultural Village

The unexpected dragon

It has become apparent to me that our lives are pretty much in God's hands.

No where in my wildest dreams did I even imagine that this would happen.. to me..

I counselled countless patients on the benefits of proper spacing between children.

Advocated birth control. 

We were not overly careful. Nor were we careless.

We just did whatever we had been doing for the past 5 years prior to conceiving Ryan..

I was still amenorrhoeic from breastfeeding Ryan..

And when I thought we weren't careful enough, I even had Z run out to the pharmacy to buy emergency contraception.

We weren't even doing it all that much coz I was still rather sore down there up to 6 months post delivery.

Yet.. God works in mysterious ways.

My initial reaction..

Shock

Disbelief

Panic

Fear

Sadness

Uncertainty

I was nauseous for weeks.. I initially thought it was due to my bout of H.Pylori making my tummy upset. But there was something familiar about the nausea I felt.. and while driving home from work that fateful day in February, I realised I should buy a pregnancy test.

My last period was in October 2010.. 

I was nauseous, cranky and vomiting..

Yet I could not believe my eyes and had to fight back tears when I saw those familiar blue lines on the pregnancy kit..

Such a difference from the emotions I had when I discovered I was pregnant with Ryan..

I was definitely shocked.. And I panicked a lil bit.. 

Then I felt horribly guilty..

Towards Ryan whom I felt would be cheated of better childhood.

And for our unborn baby who was probably feeling very unwanted at this point of time..

I had no idea how far along I was.. And I worried about the high dose antibiotics I had taken to eradicate the H. Pylori in January.

I immediately stopped taking any form of medications and Z and I had to have a long talk about what we should do.

The timing was all wrong, and it would be better financially, professionally and for Ryan if we didn't have another child right now..

Yet, I don't think it was ever an option to not keep the baby..

So here we are.. 16 weeks along..

I still feel horrible that I am not as enthusiastic as I was with Ryan..

That I feel a lil embarassed everytime someone comments "so soon??"

And I am afraid that I can't cope.. That I will be a horrible mother and ruin 2 lives now..

But I am trying to focus on the good parts..

Another beautiful lil baby..

Ryan having a friend to play with.. 

Us having kids while we are young and energetic..

And a dragon baby is supposed to bring prosperity and luck..

I remind myself that I had initially wanted to have another baby when Ryan was 2 yrs old anyway.. so it's not too far off.. (Ryan will be 15 months when our LO is born in October)

My parents are thrilled.. It's sweet of them to be so reassuring and supportive..

So here is our little dragon.. 

Mummy is sorry if it seemed like she didn't know what to do..
One thing is for sure, mummy already loves u more than u can imagine.. and what I feared most of all was that I wouldn't be able to provide you with the best.. that I wouldn't be able to ensure that you are always happy and healthy and loved.. 

But mummy has toughened up now.

So we are ready for you.. 

Just work hard on growing big and strong and we will be here for you when the time comes.  

I should get up. How many days has it been?

Get up.. get up.. get up..

But sleeping is easier.

And I'm still so tired..

......

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I have been lying in bed for 2 days.. I really should get up. But I can't/won't..

Wish I could go back to sleep. Never felt so alone.

For the first time in all the time I've known him, he walked out on us..

It was midnight and he wanted to go for drinks with friends.

I was upset, coz the last 3 times he went, he came home stone drunk. I shudder to think how he managed to drive himself home, seeing as he could barely even stand.

We talked. I reasoned. I cried. Empty promises were made. Then all is forgotten and the cycle repeats itself.

I can't get through to him.

He got angry. defensive.

So I can't go out and have 1 or 2 beers with friends?

Now I'm the evil controlling wife.

I say what I always say.. make good choices.

Go out for coffee instead of beer. Say no thank you instead of another one pls.

Stay over at a friend's place or take a cab instead of driving home drunk.

Next thing I know, he's gone. Not a word. Not a care for his wife n son.

He's the Man. He'll do what he wants.

So maybe he comes home sober and resents me. Maybe he comes home drunk and I resent him. Maybe he doesn't come home at all, gets into a car accident and dies. 

But the minute he walked out that door I realised that he was lost to me. He really doesn't care. I am desperately grasping on to something that has slipped thru my fingers long ago.

The next morning only made it more clear how far gone he really is..  he was angry that I was upset. Asking me over and over.. Did I come home drunk? Did I?? Did I get into a car crash and die? Did I? Like a little boy, trying to prove something..

He can't see.

How can u blame me for not trusting you if time and again, u have come home drunk and passed out on the couch..

Are we not even worth a second thought, for him to walk out on us without a single word?

Is he so deluded that he honestly thinks his actions are not at all wrong.. that I am just the naggy, controlling bitch who always over reacts.

I have Never asked him not to go out with his friends. I have only reminded him to make good decisions..

He never even tried to reassurre me, to convince me that he would control himself.. he just got angry and left us.

That's how much we r worth to him.

Do we really want to bring another baby into this world? My world seems to be crumbling around me.. how fair is it to bring another life in to this world to join us in our misery. It's enough for Ryan and I to suffer.. why burden another child with our problems.

I have to do the right thing.

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